One of those emails passed along by friends to friends to friends...and so I pass them along to you:
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: (Summer, 2006 Release)
1: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2: The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
3: Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
4: Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
5: The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
6: Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
7: Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8: Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9: Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10: For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11: Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12: The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
13: Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
14: A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15: At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16: Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
17: Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
18: Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
19: The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
20: The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
21: This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
22: Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.
23: The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
24: Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
25: The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
26: Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
27: The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"